Post by John Wilson on Jul 4, 2012 0:10:22 GMT -5
Just got back from taking my son to see the new Spiderman movie.
How was it, you ask?
Where to begin. Oh, yeah. I know where to begin. You can begin by renting the first two Spiderman movies you paid eight bucks each to see, then watch them back to back in fast forward. Better yet, get two TVs and two DVD players. Play both Spiderman movies at the same time while you spin in a circle and catch fleeting glimpses as the screens race by. The little clips of scenes will begin to run together until the two movies become one movie in your brain.
Congratulations. You just saw the new Spiderman.
Different character names for the same characters. Same plot, but since you've seen it all before they decided to shorten each scene. Hell, since you just watched the other Spiderman movies you'll remember the parts they left out in this one.
The 3D is really good. I mean, REALLY good. So good, you almost don't feel like you're getting ripped off while watching the movie.
Basically, every scene that isn't action-oriented is a super close-up of Emma Stone. She plays "Gwen" because you're too stupid to remember her name is supposed to be Mary Jane. I mentioned close-ups, and they were c.l.o.s.e. u.p.. So close that you almost never see her forehead or chin. Just eyes and a gigantic overbite. You have plenty of time to notice, with detail, that little speech impediment she has that's kind of charming, kind of annoying, kind of interesting because you can't decide if it's a lisp or if her bottom lip keeps getting jammed up under her top teeth. She does a good job in this movie keeping from curling her top lip up when she talks like she usually does. I always think she's sucking a corn kernal from last night's dinner out of her top front teeth. She's bad for that, but I guess she's been working on it. Maybe she didn't and they just fixed it with CGI like Lieutenant Dan's legs.
The dude they got to play Peter Parker. He's that guy you think you've seen in other stuff, you just can't put your finger on it. Maybe it's after-school specials but he's not old enough. Maybe it was that horrible roller blade movie with the red headed Seth Green guy, but he's not old enough for that either. He sure does look like that kid, though. He's dorky enough to be Peter Parker, yet almost handsome enough to believe Emma Stone's character would be interested in him. Throw in just enough strange little nervous ticks that you wonder if he has early onset Parkinson's or if he's just copying Michael J. Fox.
And they love close ups of this goon, too. You wonder why they didn't get rid of the ever-present glob of white spittle that is always stuck to his lips. you try not to notice, but since the closeups are so tight all you can see are his pores, you have no choice. It's 16 linear feet of mouth, nostrils, and eyes up there on the big screen. Then they flash to Emma Stone because the two of them are always in some passionate embrace, because we're supposed to believe Emma Stone is hot. I'm not sold. Sure, if she lived next door I'd be all like, "Yeah, that chick's alright." But as a movie star.... eh. Maybe it's the overbite. Maybe it's because she was so good at being all white-trashy in Superbad like she wasn't acting. Kinda like Jamie Pressley but without the trailer park hotness. More like she'll be way hotter when she's forty.
The story. Yes, the story. It's a scene for scene ripoff of the other two, crammed together. They made up a new villain. You know, so you would think this was a new movie.
This movie is like watching Wyatt Earp after you already saw Tombstone. You're thinking this movie isn't so bad, but it's just like the other one you saw, only slightly crappy and less interesting and why is Doc Holiday such a boring dou.che in this one when Val Kilmer was able to play him so bad-ass in the other movie. You know, like the actors in Wyatt Earp had already seen Tombstone, too. They knew their version sucked, but they had already cashed the check and they had to put a movie out. This movie is Wyatt Earp, if Wyatt Earp had awesome 3D. And spittle chunks on his lips all the time.
Oh yeah. Sally Field is Aunty Whateverthehell. She looks bad. So bad you wonder what in the hell the Bandit ever saw in her. She has no part in the plot, nothing interesting to say or add to any scene, yet they decided to show her at least forty-two times. I guess they figured they paid out the nose to get her in the movie so she needed to show up for work like everyone else. Since they didn't have any lines for her, she brought her own script from Steel Magnolias and they let her use it some. Maybe they were hoping if she showed her face enough times the Bandit would show up and she'd run off with him. I know that's what I was hoping.
Martin Sheen plays Uncle Bulletsponge. He tried. But I couldn't tell if he had really bad makeup or really bad botox. He looked like a hot water bottle if some of the water had leaked out. His was the best performance in the movie, but not even Martin Sheen can polish a turd.
Dennis Leary plays the Police Chief. Emma Stone is his daughter. (Didn't see that one coming, did you?) They tried to make him a cross between Bruce Willis from Die Hard and Dan-o from Hawaii Five O.
Should you see this movie? That depends on what you like about movies. If you want to see something original that adds a new layer to the Spiderman saga- skip it. My son is still pissed off.
If you like subtle changes, um, how do I put this... Okay. If you went to see the new Star Wars movies that were the same old old Star Wars movies but George Lucas added those digital CGI characters standing around the boarding ramp of the Millenium Falcon, and you thought that was cool- this movie is right up your alley. And it's done well. I'll give them that. If you had never seen a Spiderman movie before, this one would be great.
How was it, you ask?
Where to begin. Oh, yeah. I know where to begin. You can begin by renting the first two Spiderman movies you paid eight bucks each to see, then watch them back to back in fast forward. Better yet, get two TVs and two DVD players. Play both Spiderman movies at the same time while you spin in a circle and catch fleeting glimpses as the screens race by. The little clips of scenes will begin to run together until the two movies become one movie in your brain.
Congratulations. You just saw the new Spiderman.
Different character names for the same characters. Same plot, but since you've seen it all before they decided to shorten each scene. Hell, since you just watched the other Spiderman movies you'll remember the parts they left out in this one.
The 3D is really good. I mean, REALLY good. So good, you almost don't feel like you're getting ripped off while watching the movie.
Basically, every scene that isn't action-oriented is a super close-up of Emma Stone. She plays "Gwen" because you're too stupid to remember her name is supposed to be Mary Jane. I mentioned close-ups, and they were c.l.o.s.e. u.p.. So close that you almost never see her forehead or chin. Just eyes and a gigantic overbite. You have plenty of time to notice, with detail, that little speech impediment she has that's kind of charming, kind of annoying, kind of interesting because you can't decide if it's a lisp or if her bottom lip keeps getting jammed up under her top teeth. She does a good job in this movie keeping from curling her top lip up when she talks like she usually does. I always think she's sucking a corn kernal from last night's dinner out of her top front teeth. She's bad for that, but I guess she's been working on it. Maybe she didn't and they just fixed it with CGI like Lieutenant Dan's legs.
The dude they got to play Peter Parker. He's that guy you think you've seen in other stuff, you just can't put your finger on it. Maybe it's after-school specials but he's not old enough. Maybe it was that horrible roller blade movie with the red headed Seth Green guy, but he's not old enough for that either. He sure does look like that kid, though. He's dorky enough to be Peter Parker, yet almost handsome enough to believe Emma Stone's character would be interested in him. Throw in just enough strange little nervous ticks that you wonder if he has early onset Parkinson's or if he's just copying Michael J. Fox.
And they love close ups of this goon, too. You wonder why they didn't get rid of the ever-present glob of white spittle that is always stuck to his lips. you try not to notice, but since the closeups are so tight all you can see are his pores, you have no choice. It's 16 linear feet of mouth, nostrils, and eyes up there on the big screen. Then they flash to Emma Stone because the two of them are always in some passionate embrace, because we're supposed to believe Emma Stone is hot. I'm not sold. Sure, if she lived next door I'd be all like, "Yeah, that chick's alright." But as a movie star.... eh. Maybe it's the overbite. Maybe it's because she was so good at being all white-trashy in Superbad like she wasn't acting. Kinda like Jamie Pressley but without the trailer park hotness. More like she'll be way hotter when she's forty.
The story. Yes, the story. It's a scene for scene ripoff of the other two, crammed together. They made up a new villain. You know, so you would think this was a new movie.
This movie is like watching Wyatt Earp after you already saw Tombstone. You're thinking this movie isn't so bad, but it's just like the other one you saw, only slightly crappy and less interesting and why is Doc Holiday such a boring dou.che in this one when Val Kilmer was able to play him so bad-ass in the other movie. You know, like the actors in Wyatt Earp had already seen Tombstone, too. They knew their version sucked, but they had already cashed the check and they had to put a movie out. This movie is Wyatt Earp, if Wyatt Earp had awesome 3D. And spittle chunks on his lips all the time.
Oh yeah. Sally Field is Aunty Whateverthehell. She looks bad. So bad you wonder what in the hell the Bandit ever saw in her. She has no part in the plot, nothing interesting to say or add to any scene, yet they decided to show her at least forty-two times. I guess they figured they paid out the nose to get her in the movie so she needed to show up for work like everyone else. Since they didn't have any lines for her, she brought her own script from Steel Magnolias and they let her use it some. Maybe they were hoping if she showed her face enough times the Bandit would show up and she'd run off with him. I know that's what I was hoping.
Martin Sheen plays Uncle Bulletsponge. He tried. But I couldn't tell if he had really bad makeup or really bad botox. He looked like a hot water bottle if some of the water had leaked out. His was the best performance in the movie, but not even Martin Sheen can polish a turd.
Dennis Leary plays the Police Chief. Emma Stone is his daughter. (Didn't see that one coming, did you?) They tried to make him a cross between Bruce Willis from Die Hard and Dan-o from Hawaii Five O.
Should you see this movie? That depends on what you like about movies. If you want to see something original that adds a new layer to the Spiderman saga- skip it. My son is still pissed off.
If you like subtle changes, um, how do I put this... Okay. If you went to see the new Star Wars movies that were the same old old Star Wars movies but George Lucas added those digital CGI characters standing around the boarding ramp of the Millenium Falcon, and you thought that was cool- this movie is right up your alley. And it's done well. I'll give them that. If you had never seen a Spiderman movie before, this one would be great.
