Funny E-mail

[Christopher Myers]

Subject: The Men's List
Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We

always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from

the male side. These are their rules!

*Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear
us complaining about you leaving it dow n.
< BR>1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.



1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.



1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expec t us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither
do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin
is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.



1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

[Christopher Myers]

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
> Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
> Old Lady: Oh, I see.
>
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
> Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have
> one.
>
> Officer: Don't have one?
>
> Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk
> driving.
>
> Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle
> registration papers,
> please?
>
> Old Lady: I can't do that.
>
> Officer: Why not?
>
> Old Lady: I stole this car.
>
> Officer: Stole it?
>
> Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
> owner.
>
> Officer: You what?
>
> Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags
> in the trunk if you want
> to see.
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly
> backs away to his car and
> calls for back up.
>
> Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
>
> A senior officer slowly approaches the car,
> clasping his
> half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your
> vehicle please!
>
> The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
> Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you
> have stolen this car
> and murdered the owner.
>
> Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
>
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the
> trunk of your car, please.
>
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing
> but an empty trunk.
>
> Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
> Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration
> papers.
>
> The officer is quite stunned.
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you
> do not have a driving
> license.
>
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out
> a clutch purse and
> hands it to the officer.
>
> The officer examines the license. He looks
> quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers
> told me you didn't
> have a license, that you stole this car, and that
> you murdered and hacked up
> the owner.
>
> Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was
> speeding, too
>

[Christopher Myers]

>>THE LUCKY JOKE: This is a joke that should bring you luck.
>>
>>
>>An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one
>>morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to
>>open a savings account and insisted on talking to the
>>president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot
>>of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all,
>>the client is always right), an employee took the
>>elderly woman to the president's office.
>>
>>
>>The president of the Bank asked her how much she
>>wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk
>>and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious
>>and asked her how she had been able to save so much
>>money.
>>
>>The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
>>The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of
>>bets?"
>>
>>The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000
>>that your testicles are square."
>>
>>The president started to laugh and told the woman
>>that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
>>
>>The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
>>president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
>>"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000
>>that my testicles are not square."
>>
>>"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the
>>amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would
>>like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with
>>my lawyer as a witness."
>>
>>"No problem", said the president of the Bank
>>confidently.
>>
>>That night, the president became very nervous about
>>the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror
>>examining his testicles, turning them this way and
>>that, checking them over again and again until he was
>>positive that no one could consider his testicles as
>>square and reassuring himself that there was no way
>>he could lose the bet.
>>
>>The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly
>>woman arrived at the president's office with her
>>lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day
>>before that the president's testicles were square.
>>
>>The president confirmed that the bet was the same as
>>the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman
>>asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her
>>lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to
>>oblige.
>>
>>The elderly woman came closer so she could see better
>>and asked the president if she could touch them.
>>"Of course", said the president.."Given the amount of
>>money involved, you should be 100% sure."
>>
>>The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
>>Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was
>>banging his head against the wall. He asked the
>>elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
>>"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that
>>around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding
>>the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
>>

[Christopher Myers]

1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those good ol' boys: We will never "interfere" again.

2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.

3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.


4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" (for "deport") and it's back home baby.

6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen or given to the Army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...

Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want a piece of me?"

[Christopher Myers]

WALMART URINE TEST



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Dave says

to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess

I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to

spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a

diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a

urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong

and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and

costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."



So Dave deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes

it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the

computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He

pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds

later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis

elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks."



That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology

was, Dave began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine

samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the

mixture for good measure.

Dave hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.



The computer prints the following:



1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal

shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into

rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.

Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow

will never get better.



Thank you for shopping at Walmart

[Christopher Myers]

When you thought i wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator,
And I wanted to paint another one.
When you thought i wasn't looking, i saw you feed a stray cat,
and I thought I was ok to be kind to animals.
When you thought i wasn't looking, i saw you make my favorite cake just for me,
and I knew that little things are special things.
When you thought i wasn't looking, i heard you say a prayer,
and I believed there is a god I could always talk to.
When you thought i wasn't looking, i felt you kiss me good night,
and i felt loved,
When you thought i wasn't looking, i saw tears come from your eyes,
and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but its alright to cry.
When you thought i wasn't looking, i saw you cared
and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought i wasn't looking, i looked
and wanted to say thanks for all the things i saw when you thought i wasn't looking

[Christopher Myers]

TO REALIZE

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

Time waits For no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Do not keep this letter.

[Christopher Myers]

Gold Wrapping Paper

I received this from a friend who had a choice to make. It said that I had a choice to make too. I've chosen. Now it's your turn to choose.

The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her 5 year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and said, "This is for you, Momma."

The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner. "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?"

She had tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Momma, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full."

The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger. An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life. Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the
child who had put it there.

[Christopher Myers]

Subject: This was just too cute - couldn't resist
>>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>> Man driving down road.
>>>>Woman driving up same road
>>>>They pass each other
>>>>Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
>>>>Man yells out window, " B I T C H "
>>>>Man rounds next curve...
>>>>Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
>>>>Thought For The Day: If only men would listen.
>>>>

[Christopher Myers]

Her hair was up in a ponytail
Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school,
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seats.

One by one the teacher called,
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
For a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"
She heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one,"
Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him,
I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart"

With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,
He's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.

You see he was a fireman
And died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers
And taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
It's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mother's amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining bright star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry and that you've forgotten your friends.

Take the time...to live and love

[Christopher Myers]

> A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way
> > to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for
> > awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a
> > blonde joke?"
> >
> > The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
> > husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
> > joke, sir, I think it's fair - given that you are blind - that
> > you know five things:
> >
> > #1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
> >
> > #2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
> >
> > #3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt
> > in karate.
> >
> > #4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
> > professional weight lifter.
> >
> > #5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
> > wrestler.
> >
> > Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
> > that joke?"
> >
> > The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
> > declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
> > times."
> >
> >
> >

[Christopher Myers]

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[Christopher Myers]

HE SAID-SHE SAID

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ........... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said . . ......Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ...... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.

He said . . . Why did the man cross the road?
She said . . . He heard the chicken was a very *friendly* person.

He said . . ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said ....... . . They don't have time

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
She said ...... . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ................. . . Why is it difficult to find men who are
sensitive, caring
and Good-looking?
She said ........... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is
every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to bed. Married women come home, see
what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Christopher Myers]

WEIRD THINGS YOU'D NEVER KNOW
1. Butterflies taste with their feet.

2. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

3. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

4. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

5. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

6. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

7. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

8. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

9. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

10. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.

11. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

12. It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

13. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it as built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

14. A snail can sleep for three years.

15. No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

16. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

17. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

18. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

19. All polar bears are left-handed.

20. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

21. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

22. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

23. "Go" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

24. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

25. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

26. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

27. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

28. Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.



Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know. They will get a kick out of it! You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

[Christopher Myers]

> His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day,
while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help
coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his

> waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling
to
free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a
slow and terrifying death.



The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse
surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced
himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to
repay you," said

the nobleman. "You saved my son's life.





> "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer
replied, waving off the offer.



> At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family
hovel.



> "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.



> "Yes," the farmer replied proudly.



> "I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of
education
my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll
no
doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's

> son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated
fromSt.Mary'sHospitalMedicalSchoolinLondon, and went on to become
known
throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the
discoverer
of Penicillin.



> Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog
was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.