Funny E-mail

[Christopher Myers]

Some people get offended when you send them chain E-mails that are dirty or religeous. I love funny E-mails and also ones that make you feel all fuzzy inside I thought that we could post either funny E-mails here or post our E-mail addresses and the type we like that way fellow armwrestlers can forward the type you like to you
I like them all funny, dirty, religeous, fuzzy
post at will and list me on your chain mail
[e-mail]
Christopher Myers

[Christopher Myers]

I AM THANKFUL



FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.



FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE THAT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES
THAT I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS
TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES
THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW
THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN
THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING

BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.



FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND THAT I HAVE BEEN
BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY
BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
THAT SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
THAT I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE
OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS
AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM
THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY.
FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT.

I JUST DID.

[Christopher Myers]

------------------------------------------ * * * * *

The nice thing about being senile is you
can hide your own Easter eggs.

------------------------------------------ * * * * *

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

------------------------------------------------- * * * * *

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries.
A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate
cancer, and diabetes.

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation,
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

------------------------------------------------ * * * * *

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office
and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you
think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"

---------------------------------------------- * * * * *

God, g rant me the senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

------------------------------------------------------ * * * * *

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she
wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed "Why
Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

[Christopher Myers]

Subject: True Love

A young woman in New York was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the East River.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap
into the frigid water when a handsome young
sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so
much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii! in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you
food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have
to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would
give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid
her in a lifeboat.

>From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection,
she was discovered by the Captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"
she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii,
he's screwing me."

He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the
Staten Island Ferry.

[Christopher Myers]

This one was too funny not to pass along...

In Honor of Stupid People Here's your sign!!!!


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work! on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).



On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
! (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to....what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious..)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, you can spread the stupidity if you want and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle).... We all need to smile every once in a while.

[Christopher Myers]

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."



Rodney Dangerfield



"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."










Lynn Lavner












"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia












"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns












"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone












"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods












"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch"











Jack Nicholson












"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)












"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams












"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal












"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro












"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman












"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld











"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams











" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."










Joan Rivers












" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin












" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips












" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde












" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."










George Burns

[Christopher Myers]

An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's cheek and saying, "zzzt!" Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, "If you do that one more time, I'll chop your penis off!''

Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, "zzzt!"

The guy said, "Okay, that's it!" He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there.

He then said, "Well, if you don't have a penis, how do you have sex?"

The alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek, and said "zzzt!"

[Christopher Myers]

TWELVE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY:

1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich!

4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

5. Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

8. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

10. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

12....AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists. Most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[Christopher Myers]

Marriage Stories


1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif.
and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

[Christopher Myers]

At an airport I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments
together. They had announced her plane's departure and standing near the
door, he said to his daughter, "I love you, I wish you enough". She said,
"Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever
needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy." They kissed good-bye and she
left.

He walked over toward the window wh ere I was seated. Standing there I
could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his
privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to
someone knowing it would be forever?" "Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that
brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all
my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the
time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this
man was experiencing. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever
good-bye?" I asked. "I am old and she lives much too far away. I have
challenges ahead and the reality is, her next trip back will be for my
funeral, " he said.

"When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May
I ask what that means?" He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been
handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."
He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail,
he smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting
the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain
them," he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if
he were reciting it from memory.
"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough
rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough
pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to
appreciate all that
you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye."
He then began to sob and walked away.

My friends and loved ones, I wish you ENOUGH!!! They say, "It takes a
minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love
them, but then an entire life to forget them."

[Christopher Myers]

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,

yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

[Christopher Myers]

MY MOTHER

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION:

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

My mother taught me LOGIC:

"Because I said so, That's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:

" Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My other taught me about CONTORTIONISM:

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:

"You'll sit there until the spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about the WEATHER:

"This room of yours looks like a tornado went thru it"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY :

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:

"There are millions of children in this world who are less fortunate than you are who

don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION :

"Just wait until you get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING:

"You're going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE:

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me ESP:

"Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me about HUMOR:

"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me!"

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS:

"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about ROOTS:

"Shut the door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about WISDOM:

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my personal favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE:

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[Christopher Myers]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," ; "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1.. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

[Christopher Myers]

Subject: Fw: Deathbed Confession
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving
slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.


"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk.

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"everything's all right, go to sleep now."


"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother."

"I know sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[Christopher Myers]

A story tells that two friends
were walking
through the desert

During some point of the

journey they had an

argument, and one friend

slapped the other one

in the face.

The one who got slapped

was hurt, but without

saying anything,

wrote in the sand:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND

SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

They kept on walking

until they found an oasis,

where they decided

to take a bath.

The one who had been

slapped got stuck in the

mire and started drowning,

but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from

the near drowning,

he wrote on a stone:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND

SAVED MY LIFE.

The friend who had slapped

and saved his best friend

asked him, "After I hurt you,

you wrote in the sand and now,

you write on a stone, why?"

The other friend replied

"When someone hurts us

we should write it down

in sand where winds of

forgiveness can erase it away.

But, when someone does

something good for us,

we must engrave it in stone

where no wind

can ever erase it."

LEARN TO WRITE

YOUR HURTS IN

THE SAND AND TO

CARVE YOUR

BENEFITS IN STONE.

They say it takes a

minute to find a special

person, an hour to

appreciate them, a day

to love them, but then

an entire life

to forget them.

Send this phrase to

the people you'll never

forget. If you don't

send it to anyone,

it means you're in a

hurry and that you've

forgotten your friends.

Take the time to live!

Do not value the THINGS

you have in your life. But value

WHO you have in your life!