LAUGH n THE BOARD LAUGHS WITH YA...OR NOT !!!???

[Dawn Higson]

thanks ste.
guess i am the queen of jokes.

[simon]

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor for a prescription of Viagra, the doctor asks him how many he needs, the little old man replies, “maybe 8? I will only take a quarter of a pill each day” the doctor muses, “sir a quarter of a pill is not enough to give you a strong erection for passionate love making”……the old man replies, hell I am 80 years old…. I am not looking to make passionate love to anyone; I just want it to stick out far enough so I can quit pissing in my shoes.”

I think Bill Cox sent me that one but it is my current favorite.

A 7 year old girl while off for the summer started hanging out on the site next door to her house where her neighbor was building his new home, the foreman and workers started giving her odd jobs to do, small things to hammer together etc, she really thought she was working construction. At the end of the week the neighbor approached the little girl when he noticed she had a pay envelope, inside was $5 that the foreman had given her for her work. The neighbor asked the little girl “are you going to come back and work next week?” The little girl replied I sure will….. if those fluffing corksuckers at the lumber yard actually show up with the fluffing drywall!!!!”

[simon]

HOROSCOPES by Adam Sandler

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fluffing jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipcrap.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a damned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfluffers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your crap-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fluffing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are sleepers. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of crap.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickencrap. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

I did not write them I just passed them along.

[gambit]

Simon, I have to share a similar one with you.


Q: How can you tell a perfect gentleman?

A: He will stick his foot in the toilet and piss down his leg so the ladies will not hear the splashing.








I was told that one today by a truck driver.

[Ryan Thames]

Id say thats pushing it. Hes just gonna fart on her when they get married anyway ;D

[Dawn Higson]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some a-hole's got my pen."

[Dawn Higson]

it is quite disturbing isnt it.

[Valerie Beach]

Simon I guess I am a dipcrap....lmao those are good ones ;D
Ryan maybe thats why you can't get a girl ;D
Dawn it maybe disturbing but thats the shiznat....haha ;D

[Ryan Thames]

HEY BUDDY!!

I dont have a problem getting the girl. I just have a problem telling her that i got her ;D

Shes so purdy when i talk to her i ferdit what i my inetional statements and questions are.

Ill try again tomorrow at church.

[Christopher Myers]

this little old lady walks into a bank to open an account she asks the bank officer if she may meet the president seeing how she was making such a large deposit. He obliged and brought her up to the bank president. He said " good morning maam glad to have your business and if you dont mind me asking how did you acquire all that money ?'..... " Winning Bets " said the old lady as a matter of fact I will bet you 25,000.00 dollars in certified funds that you have square balls. The president said " maam I dont want to take your money but I assure you that you are mistaken " the Lady replied " Chicken crap "
the president got angry and said " OK , I will take your bet "
the old lady said "I will be back tomorow morning with my lawyer as a witness while I inspect your balls to see if I am right" given the large amount of money wager the bank preisdent understood and agreed
the following morning the old lady arrived bright and early with her lawyer. She was escorted up to the presidents office. She said " this is my Lawyer he will witness what we spoke about yesterday please drop your trousers " he did and the old lady grabbed his balls and felt them very carefully. she said you are right they are not square " she handed him a certified check for 25,000.00 at that moment her lawyer began to cry. He asked "whats the matter with him?" she said he just lost a 1,00,000.00 bet he said "what?" the old lady said " Yaaah , I bet him a million dollars that I would have the president of a prestigeous banks balls in my hand by 9:15am

[Dawn Higson]

hey val yep it iz. lol

im a fluffin jerk according to the aquarius horroscope.

oh well i think ill live.lol

[Valerie Beach]

Ryan did ya have good luck today finding your virgin mary? J/K ........I'm sorry that was bad ....just couldn't help it.......lmao ;D

Chris now thats a smart girl.......lmao ;D

Dawn ya I think you'll be just fine....haha ;D ;D

[Ryan Thames]

Ill try again wednesday

I skeered

And her name aint Mary;)

[Valerie Beach]

lmao.........good luck to ya, don't be such a girl thingy just ask her out ;D

[Valerie Beach]

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one girl thingy."

She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."

Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."

"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.

My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny., "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"